Indian Idiots - I (patriotism guaranteed, conditions apply)

It’s probably high time I kept my thoughts to myself. It’s not because I’m afraid I might ‘hurt’ someone or worse, ‘emotionally scar’ them. It’s not even because I want to be ‘liked’ or worse, be ‘popular’.

But it is definitely irritating when someone with a self righteous attitude comes up to me and tells me they don’t ‘approve’ of my tastes – the music I listen to, the way I (don’t) comb my hair, the way I talk, the way I walk, the underwear I (sometimes) wear, the list is long and more ridiculous.

Let me make a list of “little things” I don’t like about people.

1. The ring tones in their cell-phones. Specially tones from the following movies.

a) Anniyan: If you thought the music sucked, wait till you hear the tones. No wait, you already have it in your phone. Asswipe!

b) Aashiq Banaya Aapne: Fuck the movie. Fuck the song. Fuck the tone. A nasal title song. An anal tone. Fuck you for downloading that.

c) Zeher: I’m tired of “Woh Lamhe”. Agreed, I liked that song for a while, but a while is all I can like it for. It was and still is everywhere. I hate Kunal Ganjawala for agreeing to sing that song. Fuck him. And yeah, fuck you.

d) Any other “Latest Bollywood Hit”: I know there’s a lot of peer pressure in your smaller-than-a-dot circle of friends, but for fuck’s sake, don’t waste your money on meaningless tones that most of the time are actually out of tune.


2. The “new and hep” Caller Tune culture. What I don’t understand about this is, why would someone pay money to download a tune and then pay monthly charges for the tune just so that someone else can listen to it? What kind of satisfaction do they derive from that? If they really want to please others, they can very well donate that money to a “charity organization” or just buy three notebooks for thirty bucks and give it to a “deserving student”.
Oh well, I can dream, can’t I?

It also irritates me to listen to the damn thing. Again, it’s some shitty Anniyan, Aashiq Banaya Aapne, Zeher and other miscellaneous shit. People are just wasting money on something I don’t even like.

3. Politician-Bashing-Couch-Potato Syndrome. “I don’t like something about my country. What do I do? I diss politicians. I form opinions entirely based on their performance, or should I say the lack of it? I forget the fact that I did not vote. I also forgot when the fucking voting was held. Why do they have voting on holidays?

“And yet, since I pay taxes – which by the way I’m not too happy about – I automatically have a right to point my finger at the politician. I want what I want. I don’t like the traffic jams here, but I’ll not stop myself from cutting lanes at the same time. I will definitely overtake a vehicle from the wrong side if the situation demands it and I will talk on the cell phone – even try to catch up on my unread sms – while I’m riding. Who wants to stop? The traffic’s bad, remember? And you know why? It’s the politicians, I tell you.

“They’re the real assholes. What are you showing that finger for…. Come back here, I want to tell you more. I think…

Fuck what you think. Asshole.

4. Religious “Atheists”. I hate them. They’re the most hypocritical pieces of shit I’ve ever come across.

No, I am not talking about the Shiv Sena who want Valentine’s Day, erhm, well, banned. Oh, by the way, I have a theory on why they want V-Day banned.

Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate “love” right? So, it’s a “Love Day”. Say “love day” repeatedly and if your Hindi’s not bad, yo\u’ll know why the Sena’s pissed off.

Coming back to atheists, well, they just suck. They religiously follow their idea of no-religion. Well, that’s kind of true, right? They even have Atheist Conventions and shit! That’s just taking things one step too far.

5. Can’t think of a name here. This is about the gullible pieces of shit that almost everyone seems to have become. What the fuck happened to the slow research one used to do before they actually bought a particular (expensive) product. It looks like people would even eat shit if it is marketed well. Yeah, you know, have a lucky “dip” contest, give them some free gifts, and promise a tour to Switzerland or Australia or even Nigeria for that matter.

I repeat – People would even eat shit if it is marketed well.

TVS Victor sales drastically increased after Sachin Tendulkar was signed on as the ambassador.

Too bad, many fuckers don’t know he can’t ride a freaking bike.

Thus, I repeat, again: People would even eat shit if it is marketed well.

Or have Amitabh Bachchan market the shit. He can draw from his “experience” in the film industry and tell the gullible idiots at home how eating shit improved his intelligence and made him rich man. People will buy that.

Man, I should get into marketing! I’m so full of shit, no, ideas!

6. The “Can-I-Have-A-Light” Syndrome. Smokers, if you don’t have a cigarette lighting device, buy one. It doesn’t cost much. The cheapest matchbox costs around 40 paise and a wax thingy costs ten paise more.

It does not make sense with you in your costly looking clothes walking around with a cigarette in your mouth asking me “cen I hev ae lih pfees?” Some people don’t even ask me that these days.

They just stand next to me and give me some sign-language shit.

To the people who ask me, no, I will not part with my matchbox.

To the people who give me sign language, the finger.

I just don’t get it. Someone who spends twenty five bucks on a pack of Wills can shell 50p more for a matchbox? Why, you’re suddenly aware of the money you’re spending on “sundries” and you want to cut down on that? If you want to cut down on spending on sundries, stop buying stuff for yourself, you self-centered son of a bitch.

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A nine hour shift means I have just about forty-odd minutes to write whatever the hell I want to. I mean, the rest of the time, I’m reading forwards, smoking, eating, playing the fool and well, reading more forwards. I know, I work so hard.

The list is incomplete. Expect more. And be scared. Very, very scared.

Amen.