UPA Renames State Bank of India to Secular Bank of India

It what is perceived to be a blow to Modi and his “Hindu Nationalist” comment, the UPA government has announced that the State Bank of India would be renamed to Secular Bank of India.

At a press conference held to make this announcement, Finance Minister Mr. P Chidambaram said, “The economy is in a bad shape. Inflation is high. Investor confidence is low and so is the value of the rupee. Under these circumstances, we wanted to do what any government would do - rename stuff.”

Clarifying the circumstances and reasoning behind the re-branding, Mr. Chidambaram said, “It would be prudent to not speculate over the re-branding. We could have named it after Rajiv Gandhi or Indira Gandhi, but we wanted to send a strong message to the communal forces while examining the possibility of implementing some much needed reforms in the banking sector as well.”

When asked to explain the nature of these reforms, Mr. Chidambaram said, “Well, we are in the process of implementing multiple interest rates for different sections of society. The details will be in the public domain shortly after it is approved by the UPA Chairperson. The gist of the whole thing is that we have always wanted inclusive growth. Now that it does not seem possible, we want to give pain to all sections of society in equal measure.”

He also added, “We made sure we gave the people a holistic banking system,” with a wink.

RBI Governor, Mr. D Subbarao, who was also present at the press conference, stated that the State Bank and its five Associate Banks will be renamed according to the new directive. He also announced the formation of a parallel credit rating agency, which would rate your secularism based on which loans would be granted.

Explaining this further, Mr. Subbarao “We have something called the Secular Quotient, let’s call it SQ. Now, SQ is an index of all your activities online and offline. Your posts on Twitter, Facebook and other social media would be analysed for secularity by an algorithm provided by our Joint Chief Secular Officers, Ms. Barkha Dutt and Ms. Sagarika Ghose.”

“Of course, for minorities, SC/STs, OBCs and holders of secularism certificate personally signed by either Ms. Barkha Dutt or Ms. Sagarika Ghose will automatically have the highest SQ”, the FM added.

Bank officials seemed quite enthusiastic about the move. “I am very happy about this. It will help us get more deposits that would in turn help us make sound financial decisions like rescuing a certain airline,” said a highly-placed source from the new Secular Bank of Mysore’s Head Office (curiously located in Bangalore).

He also added, “Now, if they only changed the logo from something that looks like a part of the female anatomy, it would be very nice only.”

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UPA Bans 'Hindu RSS' Feeds

Stepping up its pressure on Hindutva forces, the government today announced that the use of RSS feeds in India would be banned. While this decision seems to be aimed at stalling the progress of Narendra Modi, there have also been a number of conspiracy theories that have led to this decision.

“It is a Hindutva conspiracy to dominate cyberspace and we shall not allow it”, said Minister of Information and Broadcasting, Manish Tiwari. “Look at the colour of the icon! If that doesn’t tell you who is really behind all this, nothing else will.”

The RSS, however, has remained silent on this issue. On the condition of anonymity, a pracharak said, “We don’t even know there’s something called RSS feed.” This reporter confirmed this statement by visiting the Sangh's website, which does not have an RSS feed.

Congress spokesperson Jayanthi Natarajan attacked the RSS for such a claim. “Of course they don’t have it! They are literally feeding off other websites!”

Adding fuel to fire, Samajwadi Party leader Mulayam Singh Yadav said, “Look who has created it in the first place. A man named Ramanathan Guha. A Hindu. This is so clear.”

This decision has sent the entire cyberspace into tizzy and has polarised netizens.

Twitter also trended this topic heavily with the proponents of the ban claiming the entire world was duped into a Hindu conspiracy. While popular tweeters like Shashi Tharoor wants an XML based feed originating from Kochi, the main trend-setters wanted a more equitable name.

One Twiterrati even went on the draw comparisons between the RSS and Microsoft. He alleged, “RSS Feeds = Microsoft Works.”

While this decision will not affect websites outside India, it will be interesting to see how websites would be tracked for the now objectionable RSS content in India.

A few alternative names have also come up in the wake of this decision. InterNet Content (INC), Dynamically Monitored Kontent (DMK) and All India Dynamically Monitored Kontent (AIADMK) were discussed. A decision would be made soon, depending on who the government wants to go with in the next elections.

Mayawati’s demand of naming the feeds after Dalit superhero Bhimrao Ramji Ambedkar was immediately rejected, due to, well, you know...

PLEASE NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Readers are advised not to confuse this with real incidents.